clue: part 2

Part 2

(White continues to aggressively cut the post roast into slices.  She puts one slice on each of five plates and hands them to Green, Plum, Peacock, Scarlet and Mustard.  Each guest reluctantly grabs their plate from her.  Steve is sitting at the end of the table, White gets up from her seat and stands next to him and folds her hands over her stomach, as a proper maid would, waiting for further instruction.)

Steve:  Thank you everyone for coming.

(Steve realizes where White is)

Steve:  Mrs. White!  You’ve proved your point now please sit down.

White:  I’m fine where I’m at.  I need to be ready in case someone needs anything.

Scarlet:  I could use a little more wine.

(Scarlet pushes her wine towards the end of the table.)

White:  I said if “someone” needed anything.

(Scarlet content that she is getting under White’s skin, walks over to the cabinet where the wine is and brings it over to the table. She pours the wine in her glass and sets it in the middle of the table.)

Scarlet:  There Mrs. White now you can have a seat, I think we are all good.

Steve:  Yes, Mrs. White please sit down and join us.

(Mrs. White remains standing.)

Steve (with a firmer tone):  I insist!

(Mrs. White begrudgingly sits down in the seat she originally sat in next to Green and Scarlet).

Steve:  As I was saying, thank you everyone for coming tonight.  I have a very important announcement to make, but before I do that, I just wanted to say a few words to honor all of you, my guests.

Steve: Prof. Plum, you are my oldest and dearest friend.

Scarlet:  Oldest?  (Looking at Mrs. White)  Hard to believe!

(White gives Scarlet an evil glare but says nothing)

Steve:  Let me re-phrase!  (Addressing everyone else)  Prof. Plum was the person who taught me basically everything I know about the field of psychology.

Plum:  Basically?  

Steve:  Alright, everything!

Peacock:  Prof. Plum, do you teach psychology as well? 

Plum: I used to teach psychology and was head of the department, Now, I am retired.

White:  Why are you called Prof. Plum?  The professor part is obvious but where did the Plum part come from?

Steve:  Well Jon would always wear a suit when he taught classes.  All the other members of the faculty would wear business casual attire.  Needless to say, he stood out. 

Plum: I’ve always felt more comfortable in a suit!

Steve:  One day, we went out for drinks after a rough teaching day.

Plum: Some of our students could be very challenging.

White:  Ms. Scarlet, you’re a former student of Steve’s.   I’m sure you would agree with that statement.

Scarlet:  (taking an arrogant tone) I would agree Mrs. White, but I was one of the good ones!

White:  “Head” of the class….one would say!  

(Scarlet gives White an evil glare, then slams her knife down.  It is clear she is about to say something but Steve addresses the group before she can.)

Steve (trying not to react to the brewing feud, re-directs the conversation):  So we went out for drinks at our favorite bar, Chameleon’s.

Green:  That’s where you got the jukebox in the Billiard Room?

Steve:  That’s right Mr. Green

Plum:  You see some of our more vocal students used to tease me because I wore a purple handkerchief in my front coat pocket.

Steve:  I warned him that the nickname they were beginning to call him, Mr. Violet, would stick

Mustard:  Mr. Violet?

Steve:  Yes, you see the color of the handkerchief was a lot brighter than this one (Steve points to Plum’s handkerchief in his front suit pocket).  He needed a strong nickname so I bought him a solid purple handkerchief and dubbed him Prof. Plum that night.  This was the beginning of the nickname tradition! 

Peacock:  You didn’t give ALL of us nicknames. Some just happened.

White:  Yes, like with Miss Scarlet.

Peacock (turning to Ms. Scarlet):  Mrs. White mentioned that you are a former student of Steve’s.

Scarlet (a little defensive):  That’s right.  From the first class he taught I thought he was incredibly intelligent and very easy on the eyes.

(White rolls her eyes.)

Steve:  I was instantly attracted to you, but of course I couldn’t pursue those feelings until after you graduated.

Scarlet:  It didn’t take you very long, I think you approached me the day after I graduated.

Steve:  Yes, well, they say ‘strike while the iron is hot.’

(Peacock and Plum both look confused)

Steve:  Well, I was having dinner with a friend of mine and I noticed Ms. Scarl—I mean Alicia - when she walked in with a couple of her friends.

Scarlet:  Yes, we were giving each other the eye from across the room all night. He didn’t approach me until the end of the evening when all my friends had gone home.  

Steve:  After her friends left, she went to the bar to order a drink.  I told my friend that I really wanted to buy the young lady at the bar a drink.  (Steve laughs)  I remember my friend saying something along the lines of “you don’t need to tell me twice”.

Green:  And, the rest is history?

Steve:  Indeed it is.  I never thought I would meet someone so special after my divorce.  I think we complement each other perfectly.

White: Yes, you have a lot of money and she wants a lot of money.

(Scarlet catches herself in snapping at Mrs. White, but it is clear she is growing tired up these insults).

Scarlet:  I wouldn’t trade it in either.  We are truly made for each other.

(Steve turns to Mrs. White).

Steve:  Mrs. White I have known you for almost twenty years.  You have been an excellent housekeeper over the years. We have shared so much of our lives together than it seems strange to just call you a housekeeper.  You have truly become a dear friend of mine.

(Mrs. White is visibly still holding a grudge while Steve addresses all the guests at the table).

Steve:  Mrs. White first started to work for me even before I met my ex-wife.  Even then, I had more house than I could handle, and truth be told, I am terrible at housework so I knew I had to have someone around. So, I put an ad in the classifieds for a housekeeper to help me keep my house clean. 

White:  I remember at my interview when I came to the house, it truly was a disaster.  Well, it was a very nice house, but there was garbage everywhere. I told him that he had to hire me out of obligation that I would get the house up to standards.

Steve:  That’s right, I remember asking you what standards.

White: …and I said my standards.

Mustard:  I remember that, Mrs. White, but only faintly.  My brother and I were both young bachelors at that time. Refresh my memory, how long did you work there before Steve married Amy?

White:  Amy!  Can we please not talk about her!

Scarlet:  You see!  It’s not just me she can’t stand, but anybody who comes betw—

White (interrupting):  Four years before he married Amy, and then the fourteen LONG years while they were married.

Peacock:  Why were they so long?

White:  I like to work alone and she would always say “Mrs. White you are in charge of house maintenance and I won’t get in your way”….but she ALWAYS had a criticism of my work when she got home.

Steve:  To be fair to Mrs. White and to Amy, for a large house, it could feel pretty small.

Mustard: …and Mrs. White didn’t live there. 

White:  That’s right I was there during the day while Steve and Amy went to their respective jobs.  I would cook dinner for them every night and stay long enough to clean up the kitchen afterwards.  It wasn’t until Steve inherited this place that I became a live-in housekeeper.

Green:  Why did you decide to become a live-in housekeeper?

White:  Well the job got to be so big that I was practically here all the time and paying rent for a place I was hardly at just didn’t make sense. 

Plum:  You mean to tell me Steve you didn’t hire other housekeepers to take care of this place?  This place is at least a three-person job.

Steve:  I did hire two additional housekeepers actually.

Peacock:  What happened to them?

Scarlet:  Mrs. White happened to them.  It should come to no surprise at any at this table, but Mrs. White enjoyed controlling them…walking around behind them and finishing the cleaning that she felt they hadn’t done to her satisfaction, checking their work with a white cotton glove - ultimately driving them out. Isn’t that right, Mrs. White?

White:  That’s a lie, Ms. Scarlet.

Scarlet:  Oh, is it?

White:  I DO have high standards, and I do prefer to work alone if my co-workers aren’t willing to put in the necessary work to achieve perfection.

Mustard:  I have to give you credit Mrs. White I can’t picture this house in any other condition.  I don’t even want to begin to think about how my brother would take care of it without you. 

White:  Thank you Col. Mustard.  I remember right before you went to Africa…

Plum (interrupting):  You went to Africa?

Mustard:  Yes, I did.

Peacock:  What made you decide that?

Mustard:  Well the decision had many factors.  At time I was working for the university as an MD, but found the healthcare system incredibly unjust.  I was making good enough money but still found something missing in my life.  (Looking at Steve)  Our parents had recently died in a tragic plane accident and I didn’t know how to get beyond that.

Steve:  Our parents were very close to both of us, they were kind of the glue holding this family together.

Scarlet:  How do you mean?

Mustard:  Well, truth be told my brother and I haven’t always gotten along.  We would fight often and about stupid stuff.  After our parent’s death we stopped trying.  So, I was in a dead-end career, single, with no remaining family connections I valued.

(Steve gives Col. Mustard an awkward glance.)

Mustard: …at the time!

Steve:  After Dan got back from Africa, we both realized all the time we had lost.  We began to value each other and we quickly realized we are all the family the other has. 

Plum:  Col. Mustard, how long have you been back?

Mustard:  Only for a couple of months.

Peacock:  What did you do with yourself over there?

Mustard:  A lot.  I joined the Doctors without Borders program.  It seemed like a good solution to all the frustrations in my life.  Steve had asked me how I wanted to split the inheritance and all I wanted was the funds to be able to pursue this.

Green:  That seems mighty generous

Mustard:  I didn’t think of that way.  This house, the money…those are both material things and the very reason I wanted to go to Africa was to find value in more meaningful things

Plum:  Such as?

Mustard:  Life.  I don’t mean the material things we fill our lives with but what it means to truly help people.  In fact, Doctors without Borders’ motto is:  “We give help to those who need it most”.  My life had just become so empty, or I thought it had.  It turns out that I still had plenty to stay for.

(Scarlet turns towards Steve).

Scarlet:  So why do you call him Col. Mustard?

Steve:  Well, I’m still getting used to this new version of my brother.

Mustard: New version?

Steve:  Yes, you are a changed man.  You used to be very introverted and, yes, while it’s true we use to argue now you have a veracity that is un-matched. To be honest, it’s a bit militant.

Peacock:  I don’t know you very well Col. Mustard but so far you don’t seem too militant.

Steve:  Fair enough, Mrs. Peacock.  My brother (looking right at Col Mustard) can get intense at times. 

Mustard:  You would have had to experience the things I experienced over there to appreciate where I am coming from.  It wasn’t the Ebola outbreak. It wasn’t protecting endangered species from poachers. It wasn’t surviving the sand storms.  It was the entire experience and the realization that everything that happened to me over there required me to be present for every moment.  If I’ve learned one thing from my time in Africa it is that if I didn’t take control of the situation, it spiraled out of control. 

Steve:  Mrs. Peacock, to answer your question, before tonight, I just referred to him as Colonel.  Then he showed up in that suit.

Mustard (grabbing the front flap of his jacket, acting surprised):  This jacket? This yellow jacket?  That’s how the name Col. Mustard came about?

Steve:  Yes, Colonel Mustard fits you very well.  Besides, that jacket isn’t yellow, it’s mustard.  

Peacock:  I never went to Africa Col. Mustard but I have a similar line of thinking.

Mustard:  How do you mean?

Peacock:  Well, after I was released from jail.

(Scarlet chokes on her wine a little bit).

Scarlet:  You were in jail?  Why?

(Peacock gives a look over to Steve as to suggest she needs permission to tell the story).

Steve:  Well you have to tell it now, you brought it up!

Peacock:  Yes, I know it’s just not dinner table conversation!

(Peacock pauses and then takes a big swig of her wine).

Peacock:  I first met Steve when we were colleagues at Cornell.  He was a professor and I was a librarian. He knew my then husband, and he had expressed concerns about the dynamics of our relationship.

Mustard:  What were those dynamics?

Peacock:  He was physically abusive

(Steve addressing Mustard).

Steve: He beat the shit out of her!

(Steve addressing Peacock).

Steve:  Please continue.

Peacock:    I always made excuses for Kurt, my then husband.  Somehow I had convinced myself that I was to blame for all this. 

(Everyone has a very serious look on their face and are hanging onto to every word she says.)

Peacock:  Well, we were at a cocktail party and he had to excuse himself so that he didn’t tell Kurt off. 

Mustard:  I would have done more than tell him off.

Peacock:  No, no I insisted he didn’t do anything to Kurt.  I didn’t want anyone else to get hurt on account of me.  So I pretended like we had the perfect marriage and made excuses why I had bruises on my arm or why my lip was swollen.   I ran out of excuses why I had bruises….there’s just so many walls I can run into.   When we got back home from the party, I told him I wanted a divorce.

White:  (Seemingly forgetting her anger at the earlier situation, now has a tender tone towards Peacock.)  What did he do to you when you said that?  Did he beat you up?

Peacock:  Yes, but I was expecting him to become violent, and he did just that.  It was one of the longer episodes.  Just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore he stopped.  I was relieved to know that it was over.  It never occurred to me that he had other plans!

Scarlet:  Other plans?

Peacock:  Yes, my husband had stopped beating on me just long enough to get some Jack Daniels out of the fridge.  While I tried to clean myself up from the beatings, he quickly drank more and more.  Before I realized it, he charged me.    He was drunk and on a quest to kill me.  I somehow escaped from the bedroom and made myself to the kitchen.  I grabbed a butcher knife to try to fend him off. I warned him to leave me alone but he didn’t stop. I really didn’t want to stab him but he kept on coming after me.  He charged me and knocked my head into the edge of the counter, knocking the knife out of my hand.  I remember reaching back to feel if there was any blood on the back of my head.  Before I could find any blood, I saw him un-button his pants.  I threw punches to fend him off but before I knew it he was inside me.

(All guests give a heartfelt gasp in hearing her story. Mrs. Peacock continues).

I punched, I kicked, I scratched, and I screamed….none of it made any difference.  I had hit my breaking point.  I was able to get back control of the kitchen knife and slashed him across the face with it.  As soon as it slashed his cheek he stopped everything, stood back and screamed “you fucking bitch, it’s time you get what you deserve!” I charged him and pushed the blade against his throat and screamed “get off me or I’ll fucking kill you”. He refused so I grabbed his…his (Struggling to say the next word, White gestures with her hands).

Scarlet:  His manhood?

Peacock:  Yes, that’s a nice way to put it.

Mustard:  What did you do?

Peacock:  I made rape not an option!

(Steve, Green, Mustard and Plum collectively cross their legs).

Peacock:  I must have blacked out because the next thing I remember was waking up in the back of a police car pulling up to Tompkins County Jail. They booked me and put me in a cell with three other people. One of my cellmates, upon hearing my story told me “Damn, Mrs. Peacock that’s pretty badass!”  

Mustard:  Did you go to prison?

Peacock:  I didn’t, I was transferred to Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital.

Scarlet:  You first said you went to jail, you never mentioned you went to a mental hospital.

Peacock:  Well, yes.  I was deemed not guilty by reason of insanity.  I spent five years and after that I was deemed competent enough to re-join society.

Scarlet:  What ever happened to your husband?

Peacock:  We’re both happier without each other.  Okay…maybe I’m a bit happier than he is. 

Plum: Do you feel the experience has hardened you?

(As soon as Plum says this, he realizes he chose his words poorly).

Peacock:  No, no I knew what you meant.  Clearly, I’m not the same person I was.  It’s impossible to be the same person after experiencing something like this.

Plum:  I’m sorry our friendship fizzled over the years.  I wish I could have been there for you.

Peacock:  Well, you weren’t…there for me.  I do appreciate the sentiment as I wish you had been there for me as well. 

(There is an extended period of silence and no one knows what to say next).

Steve:  All right everyone I would like to thank you once again for coming tonight.  I do have an announcement!

Plum:  Wait, we’ve honored your history with every guest here except Mr. Green.

Scarlet:  Yes Mr. Green when did you first meet Steve?

Green:  Oh, just a couple of weeks ago.

Mustard:  What?  I assumed you knew each other for much longer than that.

Green:  No, we met through a mutual friend and when Steve said he needed a financial advisor I jumped at the opportunity.

Plum:  Well why does Steve call you Mr. Green?

Steve:  Mr. Green is very good at his job.  He is good at my protecting my money.  I have invested my savings and he has done a wonderful job protecting it. 

Scarlet (turning towards Steve):  Why do you need a financial advisor?

White (looking at Ms. Scarlet):  Well, obviously to keep his affairs in order!

Scarlet (looking at Mrs. White):  Do you ever grow tired of your cheap insults?

Steve:  Well, that’s part of the announcement. 

(Steve gets quiet briefly and then stands up)

Steve:  As some of you know and as some of you don’t know, I have skin cancer.  It has reached stage 4.

(Mustard, Scarlet, and White aren’t surprised by this news as they’ve heard it before.  Plum and Peacock are taken off guard by the news)

White:  You never did answer my question earlier. When do you—

Steve (interrupting):  I’m not….going to pursue medical treatment.

White:  What?!?

Steve:  I told myself before this diagnosis that if I ever did get cancer, I would just let it take its course. 

Scarlet:  Why wouldn’t you want to pursue treatment? 

Steve:  I have watched too many loved ones whither through chemotherapy and other so-called “treatments,” only to die after being duped with a false sense of hope.  I have lived a very full life filled with plenty of love, laughter and friendship. I wish to continue to live my life fully until I die, not chained to pills and appointments with doctors, and make certain the friends and family I leave behind are taken care of.

Mustard:  That’s it?

Steve:  What do you mean?

Plum: I mean you invite us to the party, drop the bomb that not only you have cancer but also you aren’t pursuing treatment and that’s it?

Steve:  Yes my mind is made and there IS nothing you can say to change my mind.  However, that’s not the extent of my announcement. 

(Steve looks at Mr. Green).

(Mr. Green then stands up and takes a piece of folded paper out of his jacket.  He unfolds the piece of paper and begins to read it.)

Green (reading):

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HEALTH CARE

I, Steven Andrew Miller, of Ithaca, NY, being of sound mind, do hereby willfully and voluntarily make known my desire that my health care providers and others involved in my care withdraw, withhold, or provide medical treatment in accordance with the choice I have marked below:

In the event that I am unable to communicate and diagnosed to be in a terminal or permanent unconscious condition with no hope of recovery I want to receive life sustaining treatment. ___ Yes X No

I leave my estate of $5,000,000 to the following people to be distributed equally amongst the following:

Sara Olsen

Dan Miller

Alicia Buckingham

Jon Walbrun

Gretchen Anderson

In addition, the property located at 160 San Rafael Street Ithaca, NY is to be left to my brother, Dan Miller.  My long-term housekeeper, Sara Olsen, shall remain the live-in housekeeper if she so desires.

(After reading the will Mr. Green folds the will back up and puts it in the inside pocket of his suit jacket and sits down. The five other guests just sit there.  It is evident that they don’t even know what they just heard).

Plum:  I’m speechless Steve.  First and foremost I want to say I’m sorry you have cancer. Like many of your other guests tonight I don’t quite understand why you haven’t been seeking treatment. 

Peacock:  I understand where Steve is coming from actually. If he feels he has lived a full life already, I actually think it’s noble to leave proudly and take into account the needs of his loved ones. 

Scarlet:  You’re just saying that Mrs. Peacock because soon you’ll be $1,000,000 richer. 

Peacock:  That is not true.  I don’t even need the money.

White:  Well then fine Mrs. Peacock we can add your share to the pool to be divided by four instead.

Peacock:  I didn’t say that!

Steve (shouting):   LADIES!

Green:  The will stands as is and by the end of tonight you will all be leaving here with $1,000,000 in cash.

Everyone:  WHAT?

Steve:  That’s right everyone.  I have been given a life expectancy of 2 months.  I have saved enough money to pay for my monthly bills and medical expenses.  I don’t want to wait until I’m dead to share my wealth.  If I’m lucky I’ll be well enough to see some of the happiness my wealth gives you.

(Steve picks up his wine glass, swirls then sniffs it, before drinking all the wine that remains in the glass.  He has a very happy look on his face.)

Scarlet:  Sweetheart, I know you said you had your mind made up but would you please reconsider?

White:  I never thought I would say this, but please listen to Ms. Scarlet! 

Steve:  My mind is made up. After dinner, I will give each of you your fair share.

Scarlet:  Do you really have $5,000,000 in cash lying around?

(Steve nods).

White:  Where?  I know this house backwards and forwards.  I haven’t seen anything.

Steve:  In all due time, everyone!

(Steve begins to cough.  Mustard hands his him a glass of water).

Mustard:  Here, drink this. 

(Steve takes a drink of the water).

Peacock:  Are you ok?

Steve:  No.  Something’s wrong!

(Steve falls out of his chair to the ground.  Everyone stands up and circles around him).

White:  He’s turning colors.  What’s happening?

Green:  It must have been something he ate.

White:  (adamant) I’m going to pretend like I didn’t just hear that!

Plum:  Besides we all ate the same thing.  (During the same time, Col. Mustard attends to his brother and begins to perform CPR)

Mustard:  Everyone!  Be quiet!

(Steve begins to foam at the mouth and turn blue.  Col. Mustard stands back and has a defeated look on his face as he realizes there is nothing further he can do for his brother).

Mustard:  Someone call 911.

(Mrs. White runs to the telephone in the study.  She doesn’t even get out of the dining room before Mustard stops her)

Mustard:  Mrs. White, never mind.

White:  Never mind?

Mustard (looking at Steve’s body):  Yes, he’s dead.  An ambulance won’t do anything for him. 

Peacock:  Are you sure Col. Mustard?

Mustard:  Yes, I’m sure.  I’ve seen my fair share of dead bodies.

White:  Oh, you have?

Mustard:  (Mustard feels Steve’s pulse) Yes, I have.  Do I need to remind you what I told you earlier about my duties during my trip to Africa?

White:  No, you don’t.  It’s just I can’t believe he’s gone.

(Everyone looks stunned, unable to believe what has just transpired).

Scarlet: Well, which one of you did it?

Peacock:  What do you mean?

Scarlet:  My boyfriend lies dead before me. Just seconds ago he was alive describing his inheritance and now a corpse lays on the floor.  I will repeat my question which one of you did it?

Peacock:  Who is to say any of us did it? 

(Everyone gives Mrs. Peacock an evil glare).

Peacock:  What?  There is no way to tell without an autopsy.  He did just tell us he had stage IV cancer.

Plum:  Mrs. Peacock, cancer doesn’t work like that! Trust me cancer patients wish it worked that quickly but it simply doesn’t. 

Peacock:  Maybe he did this to himself? 

Green:  Why?  The entire point of tonight was to give away his life savings.  If he did wish to commit suicide it wouldn’t be at the dinner table in front of his loved ones.

Peacock:  Well, I was just giving everyone the benefit of the doubt.

Scarlet:  What doubt?

Peacock:  That one of you is a killer!

Mustard:  One of you?

Peacock:  Well, it certainly wasn’t me! I’m just a….

Mustard (interrupting):  Oh, you’re right “Mrs. Peacock.” Certainly a mentally ill woman who blacks out when she’s committed a violent crime certainly isn’t the prime suspect.

(Mrs. Peacock looks at Mustard confused).

White:  Alright!  Enough bickering!  Everyone sit down.

Plum:  What good is that going to do?

White:  Just please sit down. We need to figure out what just happened.

Mustard:  What, are we to be expected to sit in the same way with the corpse of Steve?

Green:  I suppose you are right, Col. Mustard.  Prof. Plum, can you give Col. Mustard and me a hand moving his body to the kitchen?

Peacock:  What, women aren’t strong enough?

Mustard:  Green is right, it’s just easier this way!

(After Plum, Green and Mustard are successful moving Steve’s body to the kitchen, everyone begrudgingly agrees to sit down.  Once they all find their seats, Mrs. White continues.)

White:  I initially laughed at Mrs. Peacock’s question of how do we know that he was killed but what proof do we have?

Mustard:  His corpse is a pretty good indicator.

White:  His corpse is only proof that he’s dead, not that he was murdered.

Scarlet:  So can we assume you did it?

White:  No, you cannot. 

Scarlet:  Well, what’s this talk that there’s no proof?

White: I just think we shouldn’t jump to conclusions.

Mustard:  Do I need to remind you that I am a medical doctor?  He didn’t have a heart attack.  He didn’t have a seizure.  He didn’t suddenly die of cancer. No, my suspicion is that he was poisoned. 

Peacock:  Poisoned?  How can you back up such a claim?  Perhaps you did it.

Mustard:  Mrs. Peacock, are you suggesting that I killed my own brother?

Peacock:  I’m just saying you are quick to pinpoint a solution.

Mustard: I just have seen death before.  I know of many natural and un-natural ways the body can fail.  This wasn’t anything natural; there must have been a foreign substance that entered his body.

Plum:  So Col. Mustard how do you suggest we go about this?

Mustard:  What do you mean?

Plum:  Steve talked about how well you were with handling yourself in these kind of emergency situations.

Mustard:  This is different.  He’s my brother and now he’s dead.  I honestly don’t know.

(There is an awkward pause, then Mrs. Peacock bursts into laughter).

Peacock:  I’m sorry, this isn’t funny!

White:  It really isn’t!

Peacock:  It’s just….Steve died without a nickname.

White (with a somber tone):  Yeah, I assumed one day, eventually he would get one.

Plum: After all your stories tonight, it seems a little unfair he didn’t get one!

Green: Well lying dead in the kitchen,  the only name he’ll get now is Mr. Body.

White:  That’s horrible!

Green:  I’m sorry! This is how I react in stressful situations. 

Mustard:  It’s a hell of a time to make jokes!  It makes you look guilty as well!

White:  Easy, Col Mustard.  This is hard for all of us.

Mustard:  It seems it’s easier for some of us than others. 

Plum:  This is going nowhere.  Perhaps we should look for clues.

Mustard:  It seems like you should be the one in charge, you seem to know exactly what to do.

Plum:  I just know that we should be getting closer to a solution rather than blaming everyone. 

Scarlet:  What would you suggest Prof. Plum?

Plum:  Well, Col Mustard suspects poison so let’s inspect the glass.

(Mustard picks up the glass and turns it upside down).

Mustard:  There doesn’t seem to be any sign of poison

Scarlet:  Well, that doesn’t mean anything.  There are many forms of poison that are undetectable.

Peacock: …and how would you know this?

Scarlet:  I paid attention in chemistry class.

Plum:  Are there any other clues?

Scarlet:  We should search his body.

Mustard:  Is that really necessary?  What is the likelihood we’ll find anything?

(Mrs. Scarlet kneels down and begins to look over his body.  She is crying softly; trying to hold it in).

White:  I think whoever did this is smart to enough to cover their tracks!

Green:  I agree, what are the chances we’ll find anything?

(Mrs. Scarlet pulls a document out of the pocket of Mr. Body’s jacket)

Mustard:  Is that a copy of the will?

Green:  No, it isn’t.  I have it here!

Peacock:  Well then what is it?

(Mrs. Scarlet begins to read it to herself and begins to cry heavier).

Peacock:  What’s wrong?

Scarlet (softly to herself):  Well, now I know where I stand.

(Green grabs letter from Scarlet).

Mustard:  What is it?  (Pause)  Read it!

Scarlet:  Are you sure that’s what you really want Col. Mustard?

(Col. Mustard nods his head, Green reads the letter out loud).

                November 22, 2013

Dear Dan,                                                                                                           

My brother, where do I begin?  Right now you are in Africa working with the Doctors without Borders program.  I want you to know I understand why you felt the need to run away to Africa.  I know you love Amy and that you two have been having an affair.  I have long suspected this as the two of you looked at each other a bit too passionately. 

After our parents died it was hard for Amy and I to continue the charade of an un-happy marriage.  I needed to lean on her and she wasn’t available for me due in large part to the fact that she was there for you.  After a lot of arguing and yelling she finally told me about the affair and that she had told you one night she could never be with you because she felt a sense of loyalty to me.

When you get back from Africa, if you get back from Africa, you will discover that Amy and I are officially divorced.  I should hate you but I don’t.  Our marriage had been sinking for a long time and your affair was just the nail in the coffin.  For that reason I should be thanking you.  If upon your return you wish to pursue Amy’s hand in marriage, I will not begrudge you.  My cancer is beginning to spread and I won’t be around forever.  It is my dying wish that my loved ones are happy.

Sincerely,

Steve

(Everyone begins to see Col. Mustard in a much different light and look at him skeptically.)

(The electricity goes out seconds after this and everyone is in a state of panic.  There are screams, noises of a struggle and breaking chairs.)

Mustard: Is everyone ok?

Peacock:  I am, but I can’t see a thing!

Scarlet:  Me neither!

White:  I know there is a candlestick on top of the cabinet, let me see if I can get to it.

(Mrs. White struggles to find her way to the cabinet, but eventually finds it)

White:  Just give me one second, there are matches in the top drawer.  (Slight pause).  Okay, I have them!

(Mrs. White finds a candlestick on the cabinet and lights it with matches that are in the top drawer of the cabinet.  She slowly shines it across the dining room and everyone is accounted for except Mr. Green).

Peacock:  Of all times for the power to go out!

Mustard:  My guess is that it isn’t a coincidence!

Plum:  Does this happen often Mrs. White?

(Before White can answer, Scarlet notices Mr. Green is missing)

Scarlet:  Where is Mr. Green?

Plum:  He isn’t here!

Mustard:  I knew he was guilty!

(Everyone looks around but can’t find him.  Mrs. White goes into the kitchen and everyone can hear her scream.  Everyone rushes into the kitchen.  They find Mrs. White holding a candlestick over Mr. Body illuminating his body, but she moves the candlestick over to illuminate Mr. Green’s body.  Mr. Green is on the kitchen floor stabbed to death.  The copy of the will is stabbed to his chest with the knife that was used to cut the pot roast.

(When everyone else comes into the room to see what Mrs. White is screaming about, they are all surprised and react in terror.  Mrs. White excuses herself to go down to the cellar to fix the fuse that went out.  A few minutes later the lights come back on and Mrs. White returns.)

Mustard:   Mrs. White you’re back, good!  From this point on no one goes anywhere by themselves! 

(With the lights on, Mustard kneels at the side of his dead brother).

Mustard:  I think we can now officially rule out suicide.

Peacock (with an insulted look on her face):  Yes, and we can also do away with the benefit of the doubt. One of you IS the killer!

Scarlet:  So I guess this means the inheritance won’t be shared.

Plum:  Yeah that would be a safe bet!

(Mustard tries to take the knife out of Green’s chest but it’s stuck.  Instead White tears the will away from the knife still preserving it.  Mustard takes out a yellow handkerchief from his pocket and wipes some of Green's blood  that got on his hands).

Peacock:  Is it still good?

Scarlet:  It’s torn in places but it’s still good.

Mustard: Well the question whether or not it’s still good is immaterial.

Scarlet:  What makes you say that?

Mustard:  It never was an official will.  Look at this will.  It’s the worst attempt at a will ever. 

Plum (grabbing will from Mustard):  It really is.  It looks someone just got a template off the internet and plugged in Steve’s information.

Scarlet:  It doesn’t matter, none of it matters.

Mustard:  What’s wrong?

Scarlet:  What’s wrong?  After all that has just happened, do you really have to ask me that?  My boyfriend is dead. Mr. Green has a copy of Steve’s inheritance sticking out of his chest!  Whoever did this is sending a very clear message!

Mustard:  I would like to suggest that the five of us move to the Study.

Plum:  Why is that?

Mustard:  I’m finding it hard to concentrate with not only a dead body here in the dining room but also knowing there’s another in the kitchen.

Scarlet:  Yeah, you’re right.  We need to clear our heads. 

White:  Should we move the bodies?

Scarlet:  For what purpose would that serve?

White:  To keep the house looking good. 

Scarlet:  That’s really your biggest concern?

Mustard:  No, we should leave them where they are.

White:  Why?  We just got done agreeing that it was difficult to concentrate with these two dead bodies in these rooms.

Mustard:  Well yes, but the kitchen and dining room are the only two rooms they are in.  We need to concentrate on the rest of the house.

Plum:  For what reason?

Mustard:  No one can explain what caused the electricity to go out.  None of us can explain exactly how Steve died.  We don’t know who killed Mr. Green.  Perhaps the answers lie in the rest of the house.  I suggest we start looking for answers in the Study.

Scarlet:  Why the Study?

(The five guests walk towards the Study).

White:  Col. Mustard you wanted to see the buffalo you shot in Africa well it’s in the study.

Mustard:  That’s right!  We never got around to it.  Did Steve save the other thing I had sent over?

White:  Oh yes, its here!

(The group enters the study.  Mrs. White points to a stuffed African Buffalo head mounted on the wall.  Next to the buffalo is a large revolver behind a glass case).

Peacock:  A gun?  Are you crazy?  And they think I’m the crazy one?

Plum:  Col. Mustard, are you sure it’s a good idea to have a gun in the house?  Especially one that size?

Mustard:   This isn’t just any revolver, it’s a Smith & Wesson Model 500

White:  Are we supposed to be impressed?

Mustard:  Yes, it’s a very powerful gun.  It takes a lot of firepower to take down an African buffalo of this size.

Scarlet:  But two people were just killed, isn’t it a bit risky to have a weapon like this in the house?

Mustard:  Well this is the first time I’m seeing it in this house.  It was put in long before anyone was killed.

Peacock:  Still it’s a loaded weapon!

Mustard:  No, it isn’t! Only a fool would load that gun in a residency.  No, this gun is meant to kill things much larger than a human being. I gave Steve the bullets separately and he assured me they would be kept in a safe place.

(Mustard points to the buffalo head).

Mustard:  It took five shots to the torso of this buffalo to kill.  If you shot a human being once he probably wouldn’t have a torso left.

Scarlet:  It seems you’ve thought a lot about this….how difficult it would be to kill a human being.

Mustard:  Don’t be ridiculous Ms. Scarlet.  I was just explaining how powerful the gun is and the damage it could do if it were to be loaded.

Plum:  So Col. Mustard, what’s the plan?

Mustard:  I don’t really have one. Didn’t everyone agree that we were better off with you in charge?

Plum: I guess.  I just wanted everyone to start thinking rationally about who had the motive.  All we were doing back then is accusing each other.  I think if we put our heads together we can figure this out.

Mustard:  Well, we all had the motive.  I mean $5,000,000 in cash in one hell of an incentive. I’m not leaving here until I find out which one of you killed my brother!

White: …and why aren’t you a suspect?

Mustard:  Because I didn’t do it.  There’s no way I could have killed my brother. 

Peacock: Not even after what that letter said?  Maybe you wanted him out of the way so you could finally be with Amy!

Mustard:  The letter was written while I was in Africa.  When I came back, Steve told me that Amy had left him but he didn’t give me all the details he did in the letter.  Amy has already found a new husband.

White:  Well, that was fast.  Ms. Scarlet, you have competition! 

Scarlet:  All I know is there’s no way I could have killed him.  I have loved him since the moment I first saw him.

Peacock:  Well, Ms. Scarlet you did say “now you know where you stood” after reading the letter.  Maybe, just maybe this isn’t the first you know about the letter and that’s why you killed him!

Scarlet:  Absolutely not!

White:  I’ve known that man for over 20 years, there’s no way I could have done it.

Peacock:  Well, Prof. Plum, I guess that leaves the two of us as suspects.

Plum (turning towards Mustard):  She’s kidding.  Steve was like a brother to me. We have been through a lot.  It’s un-imaginable that any of us killed him.

Mustard:  But one of us DID kill him!

Plum:  STOP!  We are doing it again. Can we please stop going in circles of blaming and look for answers?

Peacock: Well before we do that, I’m going to need to use the ladies room.

White:  Well, it’s down the hall between the Billiard Room and the Conservatory.

(Peacock begins to walk out of the room).

Mustard:  Where do you think you are going?

Peacock:  I told you I have to go to the bathroom.

Mustard:  That’s fine but you aren’t going alone.

Peacock:  Thanks, but I don’t need help going to the bathroom.

Mustard:  I meant it when I said that no one, from this point on, is going anywhere alone.  If something happens we need witnesses.  So we will go with you.

Peacock:  That’s fine but I don’t need 4 escorts.

Mustard:  Fine.  You do need two escorts though.  Prof. Plum and Miss Scarlet would you be so kind to walk her down to the bathroom.  Mrs. White and I will think of a plan of attack to figure things out.

Scarlet: Yes, that would be fine.  I could use a break from Mrs. White anyways. 

(Peacock, Scarlet and Plum walk down to the bathroom).

Peacock:  Okay, that’s enough guys I have it from here.

(Peacock enters the bathroom.  Peacock splashes some water on her face and lets out a sigh of exasperation.  Outside of the bathroom Plum and Scarlet talk).

Scarlet:  Do you really think she did it?

Plum:  I don’t know.  She was always very level-headed back at Cornell.

Scarlet:  But that was before everything she talked about at dinner.

Plum:  Yes, what concerned me is that she was so open like it wasn’t a secret at all.  Obviously the entire situation has de-sensitized her to violent crimes.

Scarlet:  I agree.

(Plum starts walking towards the Billiard Room, Scarlet follows. They enter the Billiard Room together).

Scarlet:  Why are we in here?  We shouldn’t leave Mrs. Peacock un-attended.

Plum:  She’s using the bathroom and besides how much trouble can she get into?

Scarlet:  Those sound like famous last words.

Plum:  I know Col. Mustard said we should stick together but I need to ask a favor Ms. Scarlet.

Scarlet (asking skeptically):  What is that?

Plum:  Would you leave me alone for a few minutes?  I came here tonight very sad missing my wife, (pauses) ex-wife and now I’m grieving the loss of Steve.  I just need some time alone to process.

Scarlet:  Of course.  I’ll be in the ballroom if you need me

(Scarlet walks over to the ballroom, while Prof. Plum goes over to the jukebox to play a song.  While Scarlet is in the ballroom she stares at the space she danced with Steve earlier in the evening.  She begins to tear up as she hums the melody to “Midnight, Stars & You”)

(Meanwhile Mustard and White have walked out of the Study into the hallway).

White:  So Col. Mustard, what’s the plan of attack?

Mustard:  I guess my first question is how did the electricity go out?  Was it just a freak thing or did someone plan for the electricity to go out?

White:  I don’t think it was an accident.  You couldn’t have timed that more perfectly.

Mustard:  I’m beginning to agree with you.  However, Mrs. White that does make you look suspicious.

White:  How so?

Mustard:  You have gone on record tonight saying you know this house better than anyone.  Only you could have the access to turn off the electricity.

White:  I didn’t do it! 

Mustard:  I believe you, it’s just people may begin to question you.

White:  I’m not usually a big drinker but I definitely think this night calls for it.  Can I interest you in anything?

Mustard:  Absolutely.

(White and Mustard walk towards the Lounge and White pours them each a cocktail.)

Mustard:  Stop Mrs. White!

White:  What?

Mustard:  I don’t think you should drink that!

White:  Why not?

Mustard:  If my brother was poisoned, I wouldn’t trust any drink in this house!

White: (realizing Mustard has a point puts the drink down):  Thank you!

(Mustard and White then begin to examine the drink they just poured to see if they can tell if it’s also poisoned.  Before they get too far into the process they hear screams from the side of the house that Plum, Peacock and Scarlet went to. Both White and Mustard run from the Lounge to the Billiard Room).

(They walk down to find Scarlet and Peacock both standing over Prof. Plum.  His body is on the floor next to the jukebox and it appears that his head has been blown off.  The jukebox is covered in blood as Frank Sinatra’s version of “What’ll I do?” plays.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DID9ruqhzUA

Mustard (yelling over music):  Well, which one of you did it?

White (softly talking to herself in shock):  What could have done this much damage?

(Peacock and Scarlet both point to each other and yell “she did it”).

Peacock:  I didn’t do this!  I came out of the bathroom and I found him like this.

Scarlet:  That’s a lie! I was in the ballroom giving Prof. Plum some time to himself after he said he wanted to be alone.  I took the opportunity to remember the last dance I had with Steve in the ballroom.  When I heard Mrs. Peacock come out of the bathroom I came back into the Billiard Room.

Mustard:  What part of stick together was hard to understand?

White:  So you both entered the Billiard room at the same time from different directions?

Mustard:  It seems far-fetched!

Peacock:  I didn’t do it!

Scarlet:  Maybe you did and you blacked out again! Prof. Plum and I were discussing that fact while you were going to the bathroom.

(The song starts over and they realize it’s on repeat).

Mustard (yelling):  Would someone please turn that music off?

(White goes over to jukebox and pulls the plug out of the wall).

Mustard:  OK, that’s better.  Miss Scarlet, Mrs. Peacock one of you is a killer and we will soon find out which one of you it is.  Until then I’m sorry but you leave me no choice.

Scarlet:  What does that mean?

Mustard (addressing Mrs. White):  Do we have any rope?

Peacock:  For what?

White:  In the ballroom, there’s rope attached to the curtains.  We can cut those off.

Mustard:  That’ll work.  I don’t trust either one of you so until we have answers we are going back to the Study and you will both be tied to a chair so no one else has to die.

(Mustard aggressively takes Scarlet by the arm while White does the same to Peacock.  The four head to the ballroom to get the rope cut from the curtains before returning to the Study. Once in the ballroom Scarlet and Peacock are forcibly pushed down in chairs).

Scarlet:  Before you tie us up and do whatever you have planned, I just have one question

Mustard:  What is it?

Scarlet:  If one of us shot Prof. Plum, where did we get the gun from?

(Mustard and White look at each other in confusion)

Scarlet (continuing):  Mrs. White, do you know of any other gun in this house other than the one Col. Mustard was just describing?

White:  No, but Col. Mustard’s gun is still in the study behind a glass case.

Peacock:  How can you be sure?

Mustard:  We were just there, practically minutes ago!

Peacock:  Well, before you tie us up I feel you owe it to us to make sure that your gun wasn’t the murder weapon!

(Mustard and White nod their head and each take one of the suspects by their arms down back to the Study.  Once they get down there Col. Mustard reacts in surprise!).

Mustard:  WHAT THE HELL? 

Scarlet (interrupting):  Just as I suspected!

Peacock:  Well something blew Prof. Plum’s head off.  I don’t know maybe a gun that Col. Mustard was just saying could destroy a torso in one shot.

Mustard (recovering from his surprise and trying to find the words):  This still doesn’t mean you are innocent!

Peacock:  It also doesn’t mean you’re innocent!

Scarlet:  Maybe it’s the two of you that need to be tied down until we get the answers we’re looking for.

(That last statement propels the conversation into a yelling match with Mrs. White the only one not yelling).

Mustard:  I DIDN’T DO THIS!

Scarlet:  WELL WHO DID?

Mustard:  I DON’T KNOW!

White: (speaking loudly, but not yelling):  Lower your voices everyone!

(Mustard and Scarlet continue to yell)

Peacock:  UNTIL WE FIND YOUR GUN I AM NAMING YOU COL. MUSTARD THE NUMBER ONE SUSPECT!

Scarlet:  ME TOO!  SO WHERE IS IT?

MUSTARD:  I TOLD YOU I HAVE NO IDEA

White (very stoic):  I think I might know where it is.

Mustard:  You do?  WHERE?

White:  Let’s check the secret passage.

Mustard, Peacock and Scarlet simultaneously:  SECRET PASSAGE?!?!?