Part 1

 

A man in his early fifties is walking in a dark room holding a three-branch candelabra in his left hand which is lighting his path.  After 20 seconds of walking, he reaches a safe.  He kneels down and puts the candelabra on the floor next to the safe.  Just enough light is shown so that he can enter the combination of the safe.  He slowly turns the dial four times to the left, stopping at 5-, then three times to the right, stopping at 2, and finally two more times to the left, stopping -13.  The sound of the lock bolts releasing can be heard, and the man slowly opens the door of the safe.  He begins to take items out of the safe.  First he looks at a family photo of roughly ten years ago with his parents, himself, and his brother.  The man begins to tear up as he moves onto the next picture of his parents wedding photo and he whispers a soft and genuine “I miss you”.  Along with the wedding photo are two death certificates and a newspaper article of a fatal plane crash.  He moves on to a postcard postmarked from Africa that reads “Things are going good for the most part.  Many stories to be told upon my return to the states.”  Along with the postcard is a small rectangular box.  He flips open the lid of the box to reveal a piece of paper that reads “hope to never have to use these, better keep them safe”.  The man picks up the piece of paper to reveal a row of six bullets.  Next, he looks at a classified ad he placed in the paper for a housekeeper along with a picture of a woman in her fifties standing in front of a ranch style home in a suburban neighborhood. 

Lastly, he looks at a letter written on stationary from Cancer Treatment Centers of America.  He has to take one of the candles out of the candelabra to read the letter, he puts the candle in a single candlestick that is located on the top of the safe.  He wipes the tear from his eye, “Dear Steve Miller, Thank you for your recent trip to our clinic.  It was a pleasure meeting you.”  The man scrolls down to the ending paragraph that reads “if we can be of any further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact our offices”.  He gives a heavy sigh of exasperation and puts the letter along with the other items on the top shelf in the safe.  He then removes a small blanket from the bottom portion of the safe which is much larger than the top shelf space.  Once he lifts up that blanket, it is revealed that there is large sum of money in cash.  He picks up one of the bundles of money and fans through his $100 dollar bills.  The man then puts all of the items back in the safe, shuts the door, and spins the dial.  He pulls on the handle just to make sure it is properly locked.  He takes the candle from out of the candlestick and puts in back in the candelabra, and begins walking down the hallway. Once he reaches the end of the hallway, he gently kicks the wall and it swings open exposing a brightly lit room which has two couches, a fireplace, and a piano.  Once he has walked all the way into the room, he looks back and it is revealed that the portion of the wall he came out of was a large painting.  He gently pushes the painting back towards the wall and it snaps back into place.  The man walks over to the mirror to adjust his tie and says to himself “Everything is fine, Steve.  Tonight will go down perfectly smooth.” He gives a nervous laugh and says, “Now if only I could say that and believe myself.  Steve walks out of this room into the hallway all the way down to a large room that resembles a library.  There are tall shelves of books, a computer on a desk, and an armchair next to a bay window. Steve sits down at the desk and moves his computer mouse to rouse the machine from its slumber.  Just as the screen becomes active a woman appearing to be in her seventies wearing a black and white maid’s outfit enters the room.

Steve:  Hello, Mrs. White

White:  Hello, Steve.  What time is your friend coming over this afternoon?

Steve:  Mr. Green?  He’s hardly a friend.

White:  He isn’t

Steve:  No, he is my financial advisor. 

White:  Oh!  I never realized that.

Steve:  Yes, we just need to go over some documents before the rest of the guests arrive for tonight’s party. 

White:  Interesting.  What kind of financial documents?

Steve:  Well, Mrs. White that’s a private matter.

White:  (stoic and somewhat cold.)  I see.  Well, I better get back to my cleaning.

Steve:  Thank you, Mrs. White.

(Mrs. White walks out of the room towards the kitchen with a restrained sour look on her face. She’s angry but she doesn’t want Steve to think she is.)

(Steve clicks back on his computer screen and opens up a folder with the title “tributes”. He scrolls through the names of each file which read Sara, Alicia, Gretchen, Jon, and Dan. He reclines in his office chair a little bit.)

Steve (to himself):  How do you summarize a life time of memories down to a couple of words?  These people have been with me through so much!

(Minutes pass as Steve appears to struggle to find the words. His reverie is interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell.  Mrs. White walks out of the kitchen towards the hallway to the front door.  Steve gets up from his chair and leaves the library to walk towards the front door as well.  They arrive at the front door at the same time.)

White:  I can get the door, I always do!

Steve:  It’s fine, Mrs. White.  I have it this time.

White:  Nonsense.

(Mrs. White opens the door with Steve directly behind her.  On the other side of the door is a handsome young man in his mid-twenties wearing a tan dress shirt and khaki pants )

White:  I take it your Mr. Green

Steve:  Please come in

(Green walks in.)

Green:  The name is Derek.

White:  That’s all in good and well but in this house, everyone has a nickname.

Steve:  Except me.

Green:  Why is that?

White:  You know I have been asking that for many years. Can I take your coat, Mr. Green?

Green:  Yes, please.

(White takes Green’s coat and hangs it in the hall closet which is located near the front door.)

White:  Can I get you something to drink, Mr. Green ?

Green:  No, thank you. 

(Mr. Green raises his briefcase in the air and taps it)

Green:  Official business.

Steve: Actually Mrs. White, I was wondering if you would be so kind to start the roast while Mr. Green and I go over our business. 

White:  I started brining the pot roast last night. It’s already been cooking for an hour.

Green:  You soak your pot roast overnight?  In what?

White:  Yes, oh I start with water and salt and throw in some spices.  For tonight’s roast, I am adding pepper, cinnamon, ginger and cloves.

Green:  You’re making me hungry.

(Steve gives a look to Mrs. White, which she understands perfectly clear.)

White:  Well, Mr. Green great to meet you.  I need to get the roast out of the brine and into the oven.  If you’ll excuse me.

Green:  Certainly.

(Mrs. White walks back to the kitchen, while Steve and Mr. Green walk towards the office.)

Green:  So this is your office?

Steve:  Well I call it the library but yes I use it for my office. Are you sure I can’t get you a drink?

Green:  I’m sure.

Steve:  Before the night is over you must have at least one drink.  All my guests tonight need to have at least one drink. 

Green:  I’m a guest tonight?  You didn’t mention I would be coming to dinner.

Steve:  Funny, I thought I did.  (whispering) You are the writer of the will, so you have to be here.

Green:  (whispering) Why are we whispering?

Steve:  (whispering) Because Mrs. White is here and she has been known to eavesdrop.

Green: (resume normal talking voice)  I see.  Well yes I brought it.  Would you like to read it?

Steve:  Yes, please. 

(Green hands the will over to Steve and Steve walks over to the doorway to make sure Mrs. White isn’t nearby.)

Mr. Green:  You’ll find everything is there in just the way you described it.

Steve:  (mumbling, as he silently reads the will). Perfect.  I wouldn’t change a word.

Green:  Now, you’re sure you want to distribute the inheritance with cash. 

Steve:  Absolutely.

Green:  I would definitely advise against that.  It’s very difficult to ensure the safety of cash especially when the dollar figure is this big.

Steve:  My money is safe and it will continue to be safe.  It has been in this house for as long as I have been in this house.

Green:  It’s in the house?  Right now?

Steve:  If I didn’t know any better I would think YOU were after my money.

 Green:  As I’ve told you before, you have nothing to worry about.

Steve:  I know!  You aren’t your father!

Mr. Green:  Thank you. I’m trying my best to prove I’m nothing like him.

Steve:  Relax!  It was a joke!

Mr. Green: Sorry, it’s a touchy subject with me. I have had to overcome a lot seeing all the negative press about him and watching the trial on TV.  The press was always contacting me for information on whether or not I was involved in the money laundering as well.

Steve:  What did you tell them?

Green:  The truth.  I told that my dad had been living a double life. He was a very good father, unfortunately he was also good at money laundering. It’s a lot to process and now that I have I don’t know how to overcome it.

Steve:  You will. There comes a point where you have to let go of your past and get on with your life. (Steve’s tone changes, suddenly more somber) Something I waited too long to master.

Green:  I will get there, I have no doubts

(It is apparent that Green is flustered after talking about his father and Steve’s thoughts about the end of his life.)

Steve:  Now how about that drink?

Mr. Green:  Absolutely.

(As Steve pours both of them a drink, Mr. Green asks a question.)

Green:  I couldn’t help notice you have a pool table in the next room over, could I interest you in a game of pool?

Steve:  You play?

Green:  Not very well, but I do play!

(Steve hands Green his drink and they walk down to the Billiard Room.)

(Steve and Mr. Green enter the billiard room together and it is clear Mr. Green is impressed with everything in the Billiard Room.)

Green:  Damn, what a great Billiard Room!  Pool table, bar, dartboard….wait is that a jukebox machine?

Steve:  It sure is! 

Green:  Where did you get it?

Steve:  It came from Ithaca, NY…the town where I taught Psychology.  My mentor, Prof. Plum and I would drink at a bar called Chameleon’s.  We had so many good times together there! 

Green:  How did you convince the bar to sell it to you?

Steve:  Well they decided to close down and they knew I loved the jukebox for sentimental reasons, so they offered to sell it to me.  It really was dirt cheap, the cost of the shipping is what made it expensive.

Green:  Well shall we play?

(Steve goes over to the pool table and choses a song.  It is “Rack’ em up!” by Johnny Lang.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FHhDY2zmcg)

(Steve turns away from the jukebox walks towards Mr. Green and over to the pool table right when the lyric “rack em up” is played.)

(Mr. Green smiles and goes to rack up the balls in the triangle, alternating stripes and solids.)

(Steve “breaks” and the balls are scattered evenly throughout the pool table but none go in any of the pockets.  Mr. Green goes to take a shot and totally whiffs an easy shot.)

Steve:  Damn, you weren’t kidding you really aren’t very good at this game! I hope you’re better at writing wills than you are at pool.

Green:  Very funny, and yes I am! 

(The two continue to take turns with Steve excelling and Mr. Green not making any successful shots.  Mr. Green puts down his cue stick in defeat.)

Green:  Okay, this is embarrassing.  It’s obvious at this point but I concede that you are the better pool player. Is there anything we need to talk about in preparation for tonight?

Steve:  Well as a matter of fact there is. 

(Steve reaches in to his front pocket and grabs the will out.)

Steve:  I want you to hang onto this after all.  I want you to read it after dinner tonight.

Green:  (Appearing puzzled) Why?

Steve:  Well, you wrote it and I hired you to help me disburse my money to my loved ones.

Green:  I understand all of that, but I will be meeting all these people for the first time tonight. It’s going to be uncomfortable telling these people how much money they will be getting when you die.

Steve:  Before you got here I was working on what to say to my friends and family who are coming tonight.  I’m finding it very difficult to put into words how meaningful they have been to me.  I have a feeling by the time I figure out what to say to them I will be emotionally exhausted. I can’t even imagine discussing the financial component right afterwards. I need you to take care of the financial piece.

(Mr. Green puts his hand on Steve’s shoulder to comfort him.)

Steve:  It’s going to be an emotional speech as it is.  Only some of my friends know I have cancer and the ones that do know don’t know how far along I am.  I will have to tell some of my guests for the first time that I have cancer.

Green:  I understand now, it makes sense.  How do you think people will take the news?

Steve: (said sarcastically) my cancer or my inheritance?

Green:  (smirks and gives a titter) Both, I guess.   

Steve:  I think everyone will be saddened by my diagnosis and I really don’t know how they will take to the disbursement of my inheritance.

Green:  How so?

Steve:  Well there will definitely be a mix of people here tonight.  Some of my guests I have become close with just in the past couple of years and some of my guests I first met over 20 years ago.  There is also a mix of personalities from humble to overly-domineering.  I think that’s another reason I want you to help deflect whatever group dynamics tonight brings up.  I can address people’s reaction to my diagnosis and Mr. Green you can handle any financial questions. 

(Steve again extends the will to Mr. Green, but this time Mr. Green accepts and puts it back in the front pocket of his jacket.)

(Mrs. White enters Billiard Room.)

White:  Excuse me I hate to interrupt, but Steve I had a question on dinner.

Steve:  Certainly

White:  Do you want a salad served with dinner?

Steve:  Whatever you think is best, I trust you.

White:  Well I do think a salad would be good. 

Steve:  Mr. Green has decided to stay for dinner.

Green:  Well, I do need to go home and shower first.  I feel very under-dressed for a formal party.

Steve:  Yes, that does make sense.  Well dinner starts at 8:00 but all the guests are arriving at 7:00.

Green:  OK, sounds good.  I will aim to be back at 7:00.  Mrs. White you mentioned pot roast what else will you be serving?

White:  Well, come with me.

(Mrs. White and Mr. Green start walking down to the kitchen.)

White:  Well we are having pot roast, potatoes and carrots, a side salad, possibly wine. 

(White and Green enter the kitchen at this time.)

Green:  The only reason I ask is I’m allergic to celery.

White:  Oh, I didn’t put celery in anything.

(White grabs a large knife out of the drawer and cuts into the meat.)

Green:  How long has it been cooking?

White:  Only for an hour.

Green:  How long does it need?

White:  Probably a couple more hours

Green: In that case, I think I’ll go home now to get ready.

(Green and White begin to walk towards the front door, halfway there they meet up with Steve again who had been working on his computer.)

White:  Well, it was great to meet you Mr. Green and no don’t worry no celery tonight.

Green:  Thank you, Mrs. White and Steve thank you for the invite.  Dinner already smells delicious.

(Mr. Green leaves the house through the front door.)

White:  Well, he seemed nice.

Steve:  Yes he is.

(Steve starts walking towards the Study, White and Steve continue their conversation as they walk.)

White:  Why are you so reticent to call him a friend?

Steve:  I can be friendly with him and I respect the things he has done.

White:  But?

Steve:  At my age with my condition, making new friends just doesn’t make sense.

White:  You have cancer, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to die from it.

Steve:  I know.

White:  Have you called the Cancer Treatment Center back yet?

Steve:  Not yet.

White:  What are you waiting for?  Time is ticking away. You have the benefit of early detection but if you don’t act soon you will be wasting that advantage.

Steve:  I don’t want to talk about it, Mrs. White.  Not now, anyway!

White:  (it is obvious she is holding back what she really wants to say) Alright, well the house is ready for even the pickiest guest! Today is no different than any other day, I make it my full time mission for this house to be spotless at all times.

Steve:  Calm down Mrs. White I was just double-checking that everything was ready for our guests.

White:  It’s just a little insulting to….

(Mrs. White pauses.)

White:  Our guests? 

Steve:  Yes, our.

White:  I thought this was your party.

Steve:  Well the reason I am gathering everyone here tonight is that I have something to share with you all.

White:  What is that?

Steve:  I would like to share with you as a group.

White:  Is it that you have a cancer?

Steve:  Well yes and no.  I have told a select few so some of my guests already know and some of them do not.  However, that’s not the announcement.

White:  It isn’t?  What is it?

Steve:  I would REALLY prefer to tell everyone at the same time.

White:  After all these years, you won’t tell me? I thought we were closer than that.

Steve:  We are very close. You are going to have to trust me on this one Mrs. White.

(Steve and Mrs. White have an awkward stare-down.

Steve: (changing the subject) so, you know two of the guests who will be here but you don’t know them all!  You’ve met my brother, and now you’ve met Mr. Green. You haven’t met Professor Plum or Mrs. Peacock, they are my friends and former colleagues from Cornell University.

White:  Professor Plum?  Mrs. Peacock? 

Steve: They are my friends from my college days.  Prof. Plum was actually my mentor.  Most everything I know about psychology I learned from him. I’ll let Mrs. Peacock tell you her story. Do you remember the day I first called you Mrs. White?

White:  I do, but let’s not go down that road again.  I love all the white lilies you have given me, but I hope to never have a reason to be given another white lily.

Steve:  I understand. As much as you hate to get them, I hate to give them.

White:  I don’t hate to get them, I love to get them.  It’s just what they represent. Accepting death is never easy!

Steve: You’ve lost too many people close to you. Every time I give you white lilies, I am reminded of your strength.  It’s still a mystery to me how you can stay so strong after experiencing so much death in your life.

White:  It’s because of the love and support by people like you.  Those white lilies are a touching tribute to my loved ones who have passed.

(There is a short period of awkward silence.)

 Steve: On a lighter note, I got you something totally different for tonight’s party.

White (surprised):  You did?

(Steve opens up the cabinet in the Study and pulls out a wrapped present.)

White (excited):  What is it?

Steve:  It’s a present for you….open it!

(Mrs. White excitingly opens it up.  It is a very formal black evening gown.)

White:  (while holding it up) It’s beautiful! I’m going to go put it on!

Steve:  Please do!

(Mrs. White rushes to the bathroom to try on the dress, while she is doing so Steve is pacing back and forth.  Steve soon hears Mrs. White scream in excitement. Mrs. White comes back in the dining room.)

White:  I love it!  I really do!

Steve:  I’m so glad!

White:  (sensing something is the matter):  What’s wrong?

Steve:  I’m nervous about tonight.

White:  Everything will be fine.  I have dinner cooking, the wine is chilling and I even picked some fresh Clivias from the Conservatory to spruce up the Dining Room a little more.  Everything will go smoothly.  I have helped you with countless dinner parties.

Steve:  I know you have but I have something to tell you.

White: (expecting the worse) Should I sit down?

Steve:  Alicia is coming tonight!

White (her facial expression changes from excited to taciturn):  Ms. Scarlet!?!?!?

Steve:  Please don’t call her that, she’s my girlfriend.

White (pretending to pull her hair out):  Why does she have to come?  I mean I have tried my best to get along with her but she goes out of her way to antagonize me!

Steve:  It seems you both excel at that!

White:  I don’t antagonize her!  She’s the one always picking a fight!

Steve:  You’re the one who gave her the name Ms. Scarlet! 

White:  As you once said “everyone needs a good nickname..  Have you ever noticed she almost always wears that same cheap, revealing red dress?  I think Miss Scarlet suits her well!  Besides it's better than the other names I thought of....Miss Slut, Miss Tramp, Miss Whore.

Steve (waving hands) Okay, okay, I got it.  I already know how you feel. 

Mrs. White: Good! I will do my best to get along with her or at least keep the peace long enough to get through tonight.

Steve:  Thank you, that’s all I’m asking for.   I want you to be able to relax and be comfortable tonight!

White:  How do you mean?

Steve: We have worked together for many, many years but tonight I want to honor how important our friendship is.  I am telling my guests to serve themselves. 

(Mrs. White smiles in pride.)

Steve:  Now, I will leave you be so you can get ready for the party.  You already look beautiful in that dress.

White:  I think this is a perfect occasion to break out the perfume and make-up.

Steve:  I can’t remember the last time you wore perfume and make-up.

White:  I’m going to get ready.  Don’t worry I do forgive you for inviting Ms. Scarlet!

(Mrs. White exits the room.)

(Steve smiles, and takes a drink of his whiskey.)

Steve:  How am I going to get through tonight?  

(Many hours have passed and Steve and Mrs. White are both in the Dining Room.)

Steve:  Can you please go back into the kitchen and grab….what seven wine glasses and put them on the table.

White:  (playfully laughing) I thought I wasn’t working tonight?

Steve:  Well once the guests arrive you aren’t, but for now we’re both tackling this together.  (Steve’s voice is nervous)  I’ll be right back I need to go down to the cellar and grab some bottles of wine.  How many do you think we need?

White:  3 should be good…. (Smirks) then again you know you’re friends better than I do!

(Steve goes down to the basement and comes back into the dining room to find Mrs. White obsessing about the wine glasses.  She is examining them and making sure they have no spots on them.)

Steve:  Mrs. White we don’t have time for this, the glasses are fine!

White:  The hell they are.  Do you see this?  SPOTS!

Steve:  Sorry, for a second there I forgot who I was talking to!

(Steve and Mrs. White both smile, realizing at the same time they are both being ridiculous in their own right.)

(The doorbell rings and Steve and Mrs. White are both startled.)

Steve:  Already?  It’s too early!

White:  its okay, Steve.  We’re ready, relax!

(Mrs. White walks to the front door and opens it.  On the other side of the door Mrs. White sees an elderly man in his 70’s.  He is wearing a black suit with a purple handkerchief in the front exterior pocket of his jacket.)

White:  Hello.  If I had to take a guess I would say you’re Prof. Plum

Plum:  Well my name is Jon, but yes I’ve been nicknamed Prof. Plum

White:  Nice to meet you Jon, I’m Sara and I’ve been nicknamed Mrs. White. 

Plum:  Nice to meet you, Mrs. White!

 (Mrs. White invites Prof. Plum in.  As White and Plum walk down the hallway, they are greeted by Steve.)

Steve:  Plum, wow!  It’s so good to see you again!

Plum:  How long has it been? 

(Steve walks Prof. Plum and Mrs. White down to the Lounge.)

Steve:  It’s got to be at least twenty years? 

Plum:  22 years but who is keeping track?

Steve:  Certainly not me! I’m too young to be that old!

(They enter the Lounge.)

Plum:  Is that a Victrola?

Steve:  Why yes it is!

Plum:  Outstanding.  Where did you get it?

Steve:  It was my parents.  My dad used to tell the story that his dad got it for him in the early 20’s. 

Plum:  Does it work?

White:  Yes, it does. 

(Mrs. White puts the needle of the Victrola down and music starts playing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghUJeWrX6Y4 )

(Prof. Plum and Mrs. White are affected by the song, and share a glance.  Prof. Plum begins to tear up.)

White:  What’s wrong Prof. Plum?

Plum:  (crying) she left me!

Steve:  Linda?

Plum:  Yes, last year.  After 25 years of marriage and she just left me.

Steve:  Wow.  I remember going to your wedding.

White:  I’m sorry I played that song.  I just wanted you to hear how the Victrola sounded.  I haven’t played it in a couple of years, honestly.  I had forgotten what was in there! 

(After Prof. Plum uses his purple handkerchief to wipe away his tears, he puts his glasses back on.)

Plum:  its ok, Mrs. White.  It was just a coincidence.  The Victrola and that song are both incredible.

(The doorbell rings again and Steve answers it this time while Plum and White appreciate the song and the Victrola.  A young woman dressed provocatively in a red dress is at the door.)

Steve:  Alicia! I’m so glad you could make it!

Alicia:  Are you kidding?  I wouldn’t miss this for the world! 

Steve:  Please come on in!

(Steve gives Alicia a big hug and a kiss and whispers “I love you” in her ear.)

Steve:  Alicia please meet my old mentor from Cornell University, Prof. Plum.

(Alicia extends her hand.)

Alicia:  Pleasure to meet you, Prof Plum!  I’m guessing that’s not your real name!

Plum:  I’m glad that much is obvious. 

(Alicia and Sara occasionally glare at each other, but say nothing.)

(Prof. Plum and Mrs. White continue to talk while Steve and Alicia talk)

(The doorbell rings again.)

Steve:  Mrs. White, I have it!

(Steve opens the door and sees a woman in her early to mid 50’s dressed in a very elegant blue dress.)

Steve: Mrs. Peacock, I’m glad you were able to come

 (Prof. Plum notices the elegant blue dress, and looks at the door as though he vaguely recognizes the guest.)

Plum:  Gretchen!?!?  Is that you?   I can’t believe it.  It’s been so long!

(Mrs. Peacock appears confused as to what is going on and who Prof. Plum is.)

Plum:  It’s me….Jon…..Jon Waldrun.

Peacock: (finally figuring out who Plum is) Jon, it must have been 20 years since I’ve seen you!

Steve:  Mrs. Peacock, we were just discussing….

Plum (interrupting):  Mrs. Peacock?  However did you get that nickname?

Peacock:  Believe it or not, he didn’t give me the nickname

Plum:  Did you chose it?

Peacock:  Not exactly!

(The doorbells rings a final time.  Mrs. White answers the door as Prof. Plum and Mrs. Peacock begin to pick up on old times.)

(Mrs. White answers the door to find two men in the doorway.  One of them is Mr. Green who has returned wearing a very professional looking business suit.  The other Mrs. White recognizes as Steve’s brother Dan who is dressed in a yellow corduroy suit.  He is smoking a large pipe.)

White:  Why are you two together?

Green:  Oh we just happened to park our cars at the same time so we both said hello. 

Steve:  Please guys come in?

Colonel Mustard: I should probably finish smoking my pipe before I come in.

Steve:  its ok, come on in Col. Mustard!

Mustard:  Is that my name now?

(Col. Mustard enters the house.)

Steve:  Yes it is.  Don’t worry you’re in good company.  Everyone here tonight has a nickname!

Alicia: I don't!

White:  Yes, you do Ms. Scarlet you just don’t know it yet. 

(The guests all begin to chuckle.  They try to keep it under their breath but it is obvious they all want to laugh).

(Mrs. White realizes Col. Mustard is smoking.)

White:  Why in the hell are you smoking that pipe in the house?

(Steve and Col. Mustard begin to chuckle.)

White:  I fail to see what’s so funny!

Steve:  (raising voice to get everyone’s attention): Okay ladies and gentlemen, everyone is here.  Can I get anybody a cocktail? (Steve begins to walk in the direction of the Billiard Room) Mrs. White would you be kind enough to check on dinner while I serve up drinks? 

(Mrs. White walks towards kitchen, visibly upset.)

(Steve escorts the other five guests to the Billiard room.)

Steve:  OK, what can I get everyone?

Scarlet:  I think we all can get our own drinks?  Why don’t you help Mrs. White with dinner?  Trust me, she needs the help.

Steve:  You two need to get along tonight!

Scarlet:  I’m trying, but she doesn’t make it easy!  Did you hear that jab at me?  Ms. Scarlet?  Who came up with that one?

Steve:  It doesn’t matter.

Scarlet: (raising her voice slightly) It doesn’t matter?

Peacock:  Yes, we can all get our own cocktails.  Now, if you’ll excuse us, Steve, I want to get to know you’re girlfriend.  (Turning to Scarlet.)  What can I get you to drink?

(Steve rushes off to the kitchen where Mrs. White is cutting into the pot roast with the same knife she used before.)

Steve:  Mrs. White!

White:  (Irritated.) WHAT?

Steve:  What’s wrong?

White:  (mocking Steve)  Oh, Mrs. White, tonight is about how important of a friend you are!  Here have this nice dress.  It’s all been a ruse I’m still just your maid being told what to do!

Steve:  You are NOT! I’m sorry.  I just wanted to get everyone set up with drinks.  Also, If I’m being honest I wanted to separate you and Ms. Scarlet…I mean Alicia!

(Mrs. White is still angry, but can’t resist in having a smile on her face.)

Steve:  I really am sorry.  I DO want you to feel comfortable tonight but I am just so used to counting on you to help me with stuff around this house.

White:  I know you do, but you treat me differently around Ms. Scarlet and it’s infuriating!

Steve:  I try not to treat you different around her, it’s just very tricky you both are incredibly strong women!

White:  Dinner will be ready on time, but only if you let me be.  I have work to do.

Steve (reluctant):  Okay.  Thank you Mrs. White.

(Steve walks over to the billiard room where he finds Col. Mustard, Mr. Green and Ms. Scarlet talking to each other.)

Steve:  (addressing the three of them) Where are prof. plum and Mrs. Peacock?

Plum:  They are in the library!  I guess we got too noisy for them!

(Steve grabs Alicia by the hand and walks over to the Ballroom.)

Steve:  I have a surprise for you.

Scarlet:  What is it?

Steve:  It’s in the ballroom?  Come with me!

(Steve and Scarlet scurry down to the ballroom.)

Steve:  Do you remember our first date?

Scarlet:  How could I forget?  Dinner, tickets to the opera and the first time we danced together!

Steve:  Do you remember what song we danced to?

Scarlet:  A girl doesn’t forget a song like that!

(Steve goes over to the record player and puts on a record.  After a few seconds the needle drops and “Midnight, the stars & you” starts playing.)

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fN-Xjpd-qE)

Scarlet:  Only you would think of putting a song like this on, and only a girl like me would think it’s romantic.

Steve:  It is a romantic song.  It’s just….

Scarlet:  It’s from a movie where a guy goes crazy and tries to kill his whole family….in a mansion no less.

Steve:  It was a hotel.

Scarlet:  We’re dancing in the ballroom…one of 9 rooms in this gigantic place.  It might as well be a hotel.

(Prof. Plum, Mrs. Peacock and Mr. Green enter the ballroom from the billiard room they were in.)

Peacock:  What’s all this noise?

Scarlet:  (yelling slightly to talk over the music) Oh, we’re just going down memory lane.  This was the first song we ever danced to!

Steve:  On our first date, no less. 

(Mrs. Peacock turns to her old colleague.)

Peacock:  Prof. Plum, would you do me the honors?

Plum:  I don’t know Mrs. Peacock.  It’s still a little too soon after Linda.

Peacock:  It’s been a year…and it’s just a dance.

(Prof. Plum shakes his head no.)

(Mr. Green steps forward takes Mrs. Peacock’s hand.)

Green:  I’d be delighted! 

(Mr. Green and Mrs. Peacock dance for the rest of the song.)

Scarlet:  I didn’t know we would start a trend!

Steve:  (laughing softly) neither did I

(Col. Mustard walks down to the kitchen to check on Mrs. White.)

(The song comes to a close and Steve gives Scarlet a passionate kiss.  Mrs. Peacock and Mr. Green sees them and just look at each other awkwardly.)

Peacock:  Maybe some other time.

Green:  Yeah I think we’ll save that for next time!

(Meanwhile Col. Mustard enters the kitchen where he finds Mrs. White over the sink straining vegetables.)

Mustard:  Hello, Mrs. White!

White:  Hello, Col. Mustard. How can I help you?

Mustard:  From the looks of it, I should be asking you how can I help you?

(Mrs. White doesn’t answer until she is done straining vegetables.)

White:  I’m fine, everything is just about done!

(Col. Mustard hands Mrs. White a dry wash cloth.)

Mustard:  For your forehead, you’re sweating!

White:  Thank you!

(Mrs. White puts the strained vegetables in a large bowl and puts a large serving spoon inside the bowl.)

Mustard:  You know that’s too nice of a dress to be steaming vegetables in!

White:  Yeah, Steve told me that I was a guest tonight and not the housekeeper…maybe this is his way of saying he’s going to stop paying me.

Mustard:  I’m sure once everything cools down…

White (interrupting):  That’s the exact same thing he told me earlier on. 

Mustard: It’s what our father used to say when he wanted to buy time. 

White:  I suspected as much!

(Mrs. White turns around and puts some oven mitts on and takes the pot roast out of the oven.  She sets it on the kitchen table.)

White:   Here can you grab the vegetables and put them on the dining room table?  The pot roast needs to cool a little bit, I will bring it to the table when everyone is ready to eat.

(Col. Mustard walks out of the kitchen into the dining room and Mrs. White follows behind him.)

Mustard:  OK, I’m declaring it.  NO MORE hard sweaty work in a fancy dress!

White:  I will definitely get on board with that!  Well, shall we call in everyone to eat?

Mustard:  Not just yet.  I’ve been meaning to ask Steve but it’s been hard to get a moment with him.  Do you know if he ever hung up the buffalo?

White:  You mean that hideous thing hanging on the wall in the study?

Mustard:  Yes, yes that would be the one I’m talking about.  Wait, Steve has named a room in this house as the study? 

White:  Yes, he has.  He even named his office, the “library”!

Mustard:  How pretentious!  I knew that money would go to his head!

White:  He’s still pretty down to earth, but he does have his moments.  Well, let’s go see your tacky moose before dinner.

Mustard:  It’s a buffalo

(Mrs. White and Col. Mustard enter hallway and they both see Steve and Scarlet kissing in the doorway of the ballroom.  Mrs. White finds it hard to watch.  Steve talks to Scarlet facing her while he has his arms around her.)

Scarlet:  I do love you, Steve. 

Steve:  I love you.  No other person has ever made me this happy!   I could die today and have no regrets

(Mrs. White begins to cry, Col Mustard reaches into his pocket pulls out a handkerchief and gives it to Mrs. White.  She grabs it and runs downstairs to her room.)

(Steve finally realizes what she heard and begins to run after her.  Ms. Scarlet stops him.)

Scarlet:  Don’t!

Steve:  Why?  She’s upset?

Scarlet:  She’s always running off upset!

Steve:  This time it’s different!

Scarlet:  She’s going to have to get used to us.  We’re happy, we’re in love! 

Steve:  Maybe you’re right!

Scarlet:  I am right, let’s go eat!

(Steve looks unsure.)

Mustard:  It’s ok.  Why don’t you guys go get the rest of the group?  I’ll give Mrs. White some time and we’ll meet you in the dining room!

(Steve and Scarlet agree and they walk towards the dining room.  Col Mustard goes downstairs to the cellar unsure where Mrs. White’s room is.  He hears music coming from a closed door.  It is obvious now where her room is.)

(Col. Mustard knocks on the door.)

White:  GO AWAY!

Mustard:  It’s Col. Mustard!  (Pause)  Sara, its Dan can I come in?

Mrs. White opens the door and a cloud of smoke comes out.)

Mustard:  Weren’t you just yelling at me for smoking in the house?

White (wiping tears away):  That was hours ago

Mustard:  One hour, tops!  Are you OK?

White:  I really did not need to hear all that.  I think it’s pretty obvious at this point that I love that man and to see him fall for the exact wrong woman is very hard to watch.

Mustard:  I realize how incredibly difficult it has been for you! We do have a party and you do have guests to wait on!

White: (continuing to wipe tears away) that’s not very funny!

Mustard: Not even a little funny?

(Mrs. White smiles.)

White:  Please go upstairs, I will be up shortly.

(Mustard obliges and walks upstairs and enters the Dining Room.  All the other guests are already sitting at the table.)

Steve:  where is Mrs. White?

Mustard:  She said she’ll be up in a minute. 

Scarlet:  Shall we begin without her?

Peacock:  No, we should wait!  Col. Mustard said she would be up shortly.

Scarlet:  We’ve waited long enough.

(Mrs. White looks in the mirror and says to herself “I’m such a fool, just a damn fool!  She hits play on her CD player and Elvis Costello’s “I want you” is played. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CykE5DFJVr0

Mrs. White is shown taking off her black dress off and changing back into the maid’s outfit.  Mrs. White grabs a towel and wipes off all of her make-up.  As soon as the song is over, she stops the CD player.)

(Mrs. White walks up the stairs and enters the dining room.  All the guests scoff at the sight of her back in her maid’s outfit.)

Steve:  Mrs. White what happened to the dress?  The make-up?  The perfume?

White:  I took them off.  They got in the way of me doing my job.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have a pot roast to serve!

(White continues to walk through Dining Room into Kitchen, she returns with the pot roast on a platter.  The large carving knife is also on that platter.)

Steve: Mrs. White! 

White:  Yes!

Steve: I think you need a little more time to yourself.

(White, is sitting down, in between Green and Scarlet aggressively cutting the pot roast in slices. Steve is at the head of the table.  Plum, Peacock and Mustard on sitting on the other side of the table.)

White:  Why?

Steve:  You are making me nervous with that knife right now.

(There is a unanimous acknowledgment of Steve's statement)

White:  Why be nervous ?  You know how good I am with wielding a knife.

(Dead silence from everyone)

(White hands Steve a plate.)

White:  Dinner is served!